So here's the thing.

I got caught between circumstances. Right after I graduated college, I could have done a baseball internship. I know this, because I did three months of an unpaid internship, but in social media. I did this while also writing twice a week about baseball, working a different internship, and living with my parents. I also didn't know enough about baseball to even be considered for a bird-dog scout job. I was just learning, but I was also using my time up.

Now, I'm older. I'm almost too old to be on my parents' insurance, I've got rent and bills and a car that won't pass inspection, but I know my baseball. Not well enough, obviously, but I like to think I've learned something in the three years between when I graduated.

I live a life of incredible privilege. My parents have been able to help me out - both right after I graduated, and when I was suddenly laid off from my full-time job. My friends are incredible, and even if I couldn't keep my apartment, I know I'd be able to find somewhere to live. What does that say that even if I, with the incredible luck, privileges, and inherent connections I have thanks to my work for Baseball Prospectus, cannot see a path where I would be able to survive on an internship salary, to the point that I don't even apply?

This is the thing, then - I'd like to work in baseball. It sounds really stupid to say that out loud, because we're never really supposed to articulate our "dreams" but I'd like to work in baseball. I like to think that with a little more experience I'd actually be good at it. For now, though, that door is shut to me. It's shut to me because despite what I do have, I don't have enough. It's shut to me because I'm a little bit older, a little bit later, a little bit less of whatever it is. You may say I'm the one that closed it, but even if that is true, I only closed it because if I didn't, it would swallow me whole.

Sure, some of this goes back to my inherent lack of self-confidence, maybe, the reluctance to even apply; but some of it is pure self-preservation - if I've already done the math, and I already know the answer, then why try to fool myself into other things?

I know it's possible to live off credit cards, borrow against a tomorrow you hope will happen, but that's not the reality I want. So yeah, I'll continue to fight with what weapons I have - my words, which have very little weight, but I do what I can. I do believe that there is a future out there where someone can figure out just a little late, someone who doesn't fit the pre-determined mold who has a mind that sparks when the information is provided. I just don't believe it's there for me.